Self-Regulation and the Brain

Tear Soup Activity

For an activity to compliment the book, here is an idea which may help in individual or group settings. Parents may want to try this at home as a family who has lost something significant or someone significant.

Tear Soup

By Pat Schwiebert and Chuck Deklyen, this is a "... recipe for healing after loss".  A wonderful way to explain the process of grief.   Grief is work, it is painful and it is necessary.  The ability to grieve doe snot come naturally for many, and this story illustrates what diversity is required in making one's own "tear soup".  An excellent resource for those who are in grief or supporting those who are grieving.  The suggestions at the end address many issues for those in relationship with the bereaved.  Here is a clip from the first few pages, which is also on a DVD.

The Five Love Languages Of Children - Gary Smalley

Do you ever wonder why each child in your home or under your care is so different in their responses to your efforts to chow them love and care?  Perhaps each speaks their own language.  A wise caregiver is aware and attentive to these languages.  The book "The 5 Love Languages of Children" is very helpful in understanding the ways in which our children receive love the most powerfully.  There is an online test that can be done which helps a caregiver identify this language.  Once the "code" has been broken to access your child's heart, a caregiver can set themselves on a mission to meet the needs of their child.  I have used this in counselling to help children understand themselves better and gain personal insight as they are able to.  Worth a read, the original is also quite helpful geared more around adults.

Safety and Connection = Attachment

What is the best gift to give your child?  A sense of being protected and free from harm and a sense of being attended to.  You cannot go wrong when other agendas or needs are put aside for the sake of these important relational foundations.
Attachment theorists describe a well-adjusted child as one who is in relationship with the parent and can turn to him or her for "... safety and support"  (Hughes, p. 15).  This shows a child that it is ok to turn to the parent for safety and support.  He further explains that the child's experience of their parent greatly influences the experience they have of themselves.  In other words, how a child experiences his of her relationship with their primary caregiver makes big impacts on the way they perceive themselves.  This being said, it is important to pay attention to how one is doing as a person, as a parent, experiencing life, so one might enable a child to become the self they ideally can be!
Hughes, Daniel.  2009.  Attachment Focussed Parenting.  Norton:NY.

Defining Domestic Violence

From the article in Psychology Today, "According to the National Domestic Violence Hotline, domestic violence is a pattern of behavior in any relationship that is used to gain or maintain power and control over an intimate partner.Physical, sexual, emotional, economic or psychological actions or threats of actions that influence another person may all be part of the dynamics, including any behaviors that frighten, intimidate, terrorize, manipulate, hurt, humiliate, blame, injure or wound another individual. "
From this definition, intense family conflict can be categorized as abusive when power and control are parts of the fray.
As another article states so well; "When love has become interwoven with violence, the nature of the family changes." (Read the Full Page: Domestic Violence – The Great Challenge of Violence – Common Types of Counseling  AllAboutCounseling.com ).  Recognizing this pattern and being motivated to change things for a more healthy pattern is a task that many families face, whether everyone in the family is on board with this quest or not.  The question one is faced with is:  am I willing to change?

He says that I do things to make him angry. Am I to blame for his violence?

No. Abusive men often blame other people or situations for their violence. Many say their partners provoke them. The truth is that no one can cause another person to be violent. His violence is never justified. How he behaves is his choice and his responsibility. In fact, you can probably think of times where other people made him angry and he chose not to respond to them with violence or abuse. Click here for more good questions to ask one's self.

More indicators that definite violence has increased in your home is these indicators:  According to Domestic Violence London, ..."Despite what many people believe, domestic abuse is not due to the abuser’s loss of control over his behaviour. Domestic abuse is a deliberate choice made by the abuser.
In the majority of cases the following can be said to be true of his behaviour;

• He is not violent with other people i.e. his boss
• He is able to stop and compose himself if the police arrive or the doorbell rings
• If he uses physical violence he is able to choose where to cause visible injuries - often in places where others can not see them
• He damages the victims possessions but rarely his own"

Children are effected in many direct and indirect ways to intense family conflict and overt violence in the family. I will provide information about this in another post, but research shows that children have more difficulties in school, are emotionally affected in negative ways, and are more prone to mental health issues. This is not going to look the same for each child as each child is experiencing their family's interaction differently according to their perspective, their personal resource and their relationships.  Counseling for children and youth can change these influential perspectives, give them new skills to cope and to make sense of their family's story so far.  Desert Sun Counselling in Oliver provides these services to children, and counselling to women free of charge through the resources of the Children Who Witness Abuse program.

Batman and His Mental Health

Psychology Today considers the mental health status of a fictional and notorious character. Batman fights crime in the darkest hour. He roams the city in a strange suit, associating himself with a flying rodent. Crazy? Read on in this article.  Every child I know veers towards batman stickers, and although he has no super powers like many other of his genre, it touches a nerve in a child's life.  Why?

Trauma and The Brain - Dr. Bruce Perry

Trauma changes the brain, but so does attachment.  Watch this video to hear it from those who study this phenomena.

Anger Managment Video

Anger is a feeling that can get overwhelming, can cause children and adults to feel defeated, and creates social stress when it is not managed well.  This story is helpful, it is a book called "Angry Octopus" by Lori Lite.  The story models understanding what anger does in your body, accepting emotions as they come, and to help a child gain control over their mood. This is one of four stories featured on the Indigo Ocean Dreams CD.

Progressive Muscle Relaxation Video

This is a helpful video for relaxation.  What it helps with is to bring awareness of your body by systematically tensing and releasing muscle areas of the body. Those who struggle with anxiety are often not able to be present in the moment, rather they are future focussed or past focussed.

When I Feel Angry by C Spelman

This book is quite simple in describing feelings of anger, aimed at younger readers.  It delineates the feelings from the action of anger.  I appreciated the way the rabbit is put in numerous situations that are true to life for children from being teased about sinky feet, to disappointment.  "Anger is a strong hot feeling."  Giving options to children in order to avert choices made in the moment of the feeling is the solution to these strong hot feelings.  A solution focused story like this helps children feel a mastery in areas where there may be a breakdown of feeling in charge and responsible.  Great book.

Teletubby and Yo Gabbagabba : Parent T.V. Cunundrums

For the very young, television watching is a double edged sword.  In today's family where it is assumed that both parents work outside the home, or a single parent must get through the day doing what they can to get everything done with some sanity, television since its dawn has been a blessing and a curse.
Do I let my child watch shows that I consider rubbish?  What is rubbish and what is educational and helping my child develop their school-readiness skills?
From BBC's Teletubbies to CBS's Sesame Street to Yo Gabbagabba, many children's programming aims to enhance child development, working on simple concepts such as language development, social skills, reading skills, relationships, ethics, pattern recognition, emotions and the like. 
Knowing how it is helping is part of the task of a parent.  Too much of anything is usually considered harmful;  thoughtful and attentive parenting is going to enhance the family system and help a child's development.  This includes television watching and any other form of media that may crop up.  There are video podcasts of sesame street and other children's shows as well, making these a mobile option.
My recommendation is to look into what shows are age and developmentally appropriate, what needs your child has and of course what they like and, if you are open to it, selecting viewing times which are limited and ideal to your schedule.  Televisions should not act as babysitters, but in a crunch as reality will dictate, doing taxes or making that important phone call for the duration of that time period would possibly be a well-thought out plan.  Viewing with your child to be familiar with the songs, the dances and the lessons learned would be of value as well. I personally like the animated shows  Arthur and Franklin, because they are based on books.  The characters  grapple with many common emotional issues.  They also entertain the parent, I have found!

Zero by Katherine Otashi

Zero looks at herself and sees nothing worthy compared to all the numbers.  It takes some great storying to show Zero that she is a hero.
This is a great compliment to One from the same author.  Self esteem, self worth and dignity are all fantastic themes in such simple and entertaining story telling.  I know that schools, children's programs and counsellors have used Zero and One to draw out lessons on these subjects.

One by Katherine Otashi

If you might be looking to address topics like self-esteem, bullies and having a social conscnience, then the book entitled "One" by Katherine Otashi is a perfect library resource.
What color is best, which is worst?  Red seems to think that it is the tops and lets every other color know that Red is the color to be.  When one color stands up to a bullying Red, what will happen?
This resource allows removal from the intimidating and personal facts of a bully in a child's life and brings humor and tenderness to a very real struggle many face.  I have known programs for self-worth, pink shirt-day assemblies and counsellors including myself to read this to students.

Scaredy Squirrel by Melanie Watt

Have you ever been afraid to try something new?  IN an environment which every corner holds a threat?  This book addresses the most extreme cases of being restricted by fear and anxiety in a squirrel who positively commits to a life of self-preservation.
The book follows the regiment of Scaredy Squirrel, a rodent with a plan for every potential threat.  His intolerance to novelty goes awry when life throws him a curve ball and he must discover that his fears have kept him from living outside of the acorn tree, which has been his safe haven.

Children and adults may relate to this hilarious tale in examining the ridiculous ways we avoid harm, and shrink our world through anxiety.

Harry Potter Series by J K Rowling

I could not have a blog on helpful books in therapy  without my all-time favorite book series being mentioned.  Harry Potter and I were introduced in my 20s when the first movie came out.  This is a book written by J K Rowling and can even be read on ereaders now.   I was reserved about this book at first but once I read it, and the subsequent series, I was hooked to become one of its greatest fans personally.  What is even more wonderful is the amount of times I have used these books as reference in my practice, especially with teens.  The universal appeal makes it an easy reference in therapy.  I will attempt to draw out more about each book as to how it applies in this blog, but it is enough right now to say that Harry Potter is a great resource which needs to be read.

Ish by Peter Reynolds

Here is a book which I found interesting and poignant as the theme is around making your "mistakes" into masterpieces to celebrate.  A frustrated doodler is confronted by his sister's admiration of what he thinks are garbage drawings which inspires him.  This book would help children who are anxious about making mistakes, who struggle with perfectionism and what follows: procrastination.  Where this new-found freedom of expression takes him, is exciting and inspirational.   My wife found this at Value Village and I have used it with anxious children.

Itouch and Iphone & Ipad Content Filter

 Want to help protect your child or teen's eyes from inappropriate and potentially harmful content when browsing?  There's an app for that.
Safe Eyes Mobile http://www.internetsafety.com/iphonedemo.php
This app provides customizable filters for browsing with a mobile device.  There is a cost to this application which can be found on Itunes app section.

A Terrible Thing Happened

This blog will help me create a list of books, resources and information for the practice of child and youth counselling.  I am a counsellor in Canada and am practicing in a wonderful non-profit organization called Desert Sun Counselling Centre in British Columbia.

A Terrible Thing Happened by Margaret M. Holmes is a book that I often use in bibliotherapy to address the emotions attached to events which are difficult to talk about.  The story does not specify the event, instead it leaves the "terrible thing" to our imagination.
I appreciate the illustrations and the simple way of explaining the process of counselling to children, and vicariously to parents/care-givers who are helping a child heal from trauma.
The main character is Sherman Smith, a raccoon.  He, like many children and youth, has witnessed a terrible thing, and although he tries to push this terrible thing out of his mind, it plagues his emotions, his body and his brain.  He discovers that art and talking can help alleviate the power of the event.  At the back of the book are some instructions and information for those who support a child in this circumstance.
I recommend this book for a counselling library!  I found this book both online through Abebooks and in a second hand shop in both hard and soft cover.