Tear Soup

By Pat Schwiebert and Chuck Deklyen, this is a "... recipe for healing after loss".  A wonderful way to explain the process of grief.   Grief is work, it is painful and it is necessary.  The ability to grieve doe snot come naturally for many, and this story illustrates what diversity is required in making one's own "tear soup".  An excellent resource for those who are in grief or supporting those who are grieving.  The suggestions at the end address many issues for those in relationship with the bereaved.  Here is a clip from the first few pages, which is also on a DVD.

The Five Love Languages Of Children - Gary Smalley

Do you ever wonder why each child in your home or under your care is so different in their responses to your efforts to chow them love and care?  Perhaps each speaks their own language.  A wise caregiver is aware and attentive to these languages.  The book "The 5 Love Languages of Children" is very helpful in understanding the ways in which our children receive love the most powerfully.  There is an online test that can be done which helps a caregiver identify this language.  Once the "code" has been broken to access your child's heart, a caregiver can set themselves on a mission to meet the needs of their child.  I have used this in counselling to help children understand themselves better and gain personal insight as they are able to.  Worth a read, the original is also quite helpful geared more around adults.

Safety and Connection = Attachment

What is the best gift to give your child?  A sense of being protected and free from harm and a sense of being attended to.  You cannot go wrong when other agendas or needs are put aside for the sake of these important relational foundations.
Attachment theorists describe a well-adjusted child as one who is in relationship with the parent and can turn to him or her for "... safety and support"  (Hughes, p. 15).  This shows a child that it is ok to turn to the parent for safety and support.  He further explains that the child's experience of their parent greatly influences the experience they have of themselves.  In other words, how a child experiences his of her relationship with their primary caregiver makes big impacts on the way they perceive themselves.  This being said, it is important to pay attention to how one is doing as a person, as a parent, experiencing life, so one might enable a child to become the self they ideally can be!
Hughes, Daniel.  2009.  Attachment Focussed Parenting.  Norton:NY.

Defining Domestic Violence

From the article in Psychology Today, "According to the National Domestic Violence Hotline, domestic violence is a pattern of behavior in any relationship that is used to gain or maintain power and control over an intimate partner.Physical, sexual, emotional, economic or psychological actions or threats of actions that influence another person may all be part of the dynamics, including any behaviors that frighten, intimidate, terrorize, manipulate, hurt, humiliate, blame, injure or wound another individual. "
From this definition, intense family conflict can be categorized as abusive when power and control are parts of the fray.
As another article states so well; "When love has become interwoven with violence, the nature of the family changes." (Read the Full Page: Domestic Violence – The Great Challenge of Violence – Common Types of Counseling  AllAboutCounseling.com ).  Recognizing this pattern and being motivated to change things for a more healthy pattern is a task that many families face, whether everyone in the family is on board with this quest or not.  The question one is faced with is:  am I willing to change?

He says that I do things to make him angry. Am I to blame for his violence?

No. Abusive men often blame other people or situations for their violence. Many say their partners provoke them. The truth is that no one can cause another person to be violent. His violence is never justified. How he behaves is his choice and his responsibility. In fact, you can probably think of times where other people made him angry and he chose not to respond to them with violence or abuse. Click here for more good questions to ask one's self.

More indicators that definite violence has increased in your home is these indicators:  According to Domestic Violence London, ..."Despite what many people believe, domestic abuse is not due to the abuser’s loss of control over his behaviour. Domestic abuse is a deliberate choice made by the abuser.
In the majority of cases the following can be said to be true of his behaviour;

• He is not violent with other people i.e. his boss
• He is able to stop and compose himself if the police arrive or the doorbell rings
• If he uses physical violence he is able to choose where to cause visible injuries - often in places where others can not see them
• He damages the victims possessions but rarely his own"

Children are effected in many direct and indirect ways to intense family conflict and overt violence in the family. I will provide information about this in another post, but research shows that children have more difficulties in school, are emotionally affected in negative ways, and are more prone to mental health issues. This is not going to look the same for each child as each child is experiencing their family's interaction differently according to their perspective, their personal resource and their relationships.  Counseling for children and youth can change these influential perspectives, give them new skills to cope and to make sense of their family's story so far.  Desert Sun Counselling in Oliver provides these services to children, and counselling to women free of charge through the resources of the Children Who Witness Abuse program.

Batman and His Mental Health

Psychology Today considers the mental health status of a fictional and notorious character. Batman fights crime in the darkest hour. He roams the city in a strange suit, associating himself with a flying rodent. Crazy? Read on in this article.  Every child I know veers towards batman stickers, and although he has no super powers like many other of his genre, it touches a nerve in a child's life.  Why?

Trauma and The Brain - Dr. Bruce Perry

Trauma changes the brain, but so does attachment.  Watch this video to hear it from those who study this phenomena.

Anger Managment Video

Anger is a feeling that can get overwhelming, can cause children and adults to feel defeated, and creates social stress when it is not managed well.  This story is helpful, it is a book called "Angry Octopus" by Lori Lite.  The story models understanding what anger does in your body, accepting emotions as they come, and to help a child gain control over their mood. This is one of four stories featured on the Indigo Ocean Dreams CD.